Majora's Mask Supercondensed
by Plushie Master Marth
Summary: This...is what comes out of my mind when I'm bored. Strong language and sexual innuendo is involved, so be warned. Chapter seven lives! ...And between you all and me, this was strongly inspired by Revokov's supercondensed stories. R&R, please!
1. Beginning

**The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask - Supercondensed**

Part one: The beginning

_Link is found riding through the forest on Epona, which he KILLED TALON to take. He was on his way to find Saria and TAP THAT ASS._

Link: (_in a sing-song tone_) Sariaaa, Where are you---? I wanna do some stuff with you while we're both still kids, so it's not creepy and/or illegal to do---!

_Just then a DEMENTED KID NAMED AFTER A SKULL OR SOMETHING popped out in front of Link wearing a RETARDED LOOKING NEW YEARS' MASK_.

Skull Kid: HI!

Link: OH MY GOD IT'S A MONSTER KILL IT. ...Wait…A skull kid. What's with the ugly mask?

Skull Kid: Ugly?! I'll show you ugly! Tatl, Tael, attack!

_The INSANELY UGLY KID'S fairies popped out of FREAKIN' NOWHERE and assaulted Link's eyes with BRIGHT COLORS._

Tatl & Tael: RARGHIFSHUFHDGSUD

Link: OMGWTF!? (_He fell off of Epona and dropped his PRETTY BLUE INSTRUMENT_)

Skull Kid: Sweet ride. I'm totally gonna take it and pimp it out with decals. (_And that's JUST WHAT HE WENT OFF TO DO_.)

Tael: Ohh, pretty. I'm gonna take your blowy thingie. (_He SOMEHOW managed to do this despite being the size of a TENNIS BALL_.)

Link: Noo! My ride! I wanted to pimp her out with racing stripes! ...Oh, and I guess give me back my ocarina. I don't wanna hear Zelda whine. Anyway, come back!

_And Link chased the Skull Kid to recover his SWEET RIDE and his FLUTE THING._

_However, Link managed to fall down a hole in a BIG ASS TREE which had lots of PRETTY LIGHTS AND SYMBOLS in it._

Link: Whooaa...so this is what it's like to be on acid? Wait, did that one say "XXX Girls?" Whoo! Strip club here we co---

_And then Link landed on his ASS on a GIANT LILYPAD._

Link: OW! Oh man...I think I just broke my ass bone.

Skull Kid: Mwahaha! Welcome to Termina!

Link: Termina? That kind of retarded name is---Oh, nevermind. Gimme my…wait, where's Epona?

Skull Kid: Oh. That horse? She wouldn't shut up so I traded her on the black market for this cute green-haired chick. Oh man, am I gonna---

Link: What?! Green-haired? THAT'S MAH WOMAHN. MIIINE. AH KEEL YEW.

Skull Kid: Oh no you don't! 'Cuz I'm gonna do this!

_Then the INSANE SKULL THING did a VOO-DOO DANCE and Link turned into a RETARDED LOOKING PLANT._

Link: ...Why does my mouth look like it was made for bl--

_MOVING ON._

Skull Kid: MWAHAHAHA! Now, instead of using my magic to kill you right here and now, I'm going to...run away! (_He DID_.)

_One of the INSANE FAIRIES OF DEATH flew in front of Link and LAUGHED at how UTTERLY RETARDED he looked._

Tatl: Haha, you're a Deku scrub! So, I have to ask you: WHAT NOW, BIATCH!?

_Just then the BIG WOODEN DOOR of the INEXPLICABLE DUNGEON-TREE slammed shut._

Link: I'd say the same thing to you.

Tatl: Son of a bi--

_And so Link and INSANE FAIRY #1 teamed up to open up the STRANGE WOODEN DOOR THING of the DUNGEON TREE._

Link: Alright, now how to get out of here.

_Link walked around aimlessly until a strange looking flower CONSUMED HIM._

Link: OH GOD IT'S EATING ME.

_But the flower decided he was TOO RETARDED to eat, and spit him back out with some kind of FLOWER HELICOPTOR THINGS._

Link: Look ma, I can fly!

_Link suddenly felt the urge to EMPTY HIS BOWELS in the form of an EXPLODING NUT THING._

Link: Talk about busting a nut...Eh? Eeeeh? (_wink_)

Tatl: Just...don't speak anymore.

_And so, the DYNAMIC DUO made it out of the EVIL TREE and somehow into a GIANT CLOCK._

Link: Why is this clock attached to a tree dungeon thing? Who the hell thought this up?

Nintendo: (_whistling innocently_)

_However, Link and CRAZY FAIRY NUMERO UNO met up with a SEXUAL PREDATOR that sold WEIRD MASKS._

Mask salesman: Oh, hello there...(_vacant grin_) How are you, little boy?

Link: ...Um...fine…

Mask salesman: I'm glad to hear. I see you're under a curse though…Poor, sweet little child.

Link: ...I...guess.

Mask Salesman: Tell you what; you bring me back an instrument and a cute little skull child's mask, I'll tell you how to break the curse!

Link: ...Kay.

Mask salesman: Then maybe you could come with me to help with something...

Link: That'snicethanksbye. (_run_)

_And so, Link and his FAIRY STALKER went off on their QUEST OR WHATEVER IT WAS._


	2. First Day

**The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask - Supercondensed **

Part two: The first day

_Link and his ANNOYING RINGING GLOW-BALL went and OPENED the Clock Tower door, being BLINDED BY THE SHINY SUN._

Link: -hiss- It burns us, precious! It BURNNSS!

Tatl: Stop being dramatic.

_And ahead were some SUSPICIOUSLY MUSTACHIOED construction workers building a TOWER OF WOOD._

Link: So this is what happened to the Village Hylians! Elementary!

Construction worker: Hey, your mouth looks like it's made for b---

Link: I've already made that joke! Shoo!

_The construction worker RAN AWAY CRYING from Link's MEAN WORDS._

Tatl: Link! I totally know where we need to go to meet Skull Kid!

Link: Cool! Just as long as we don't have to go on a stupid side—

_But little did they know they had to go on a SIDE QUEST to find the MENTALLY HANDICAPPED SKULL THING._

Link: Oh son of a bitch.

_And so Link and his FLYING LIGHTBULB went running around clock town like HEADLESS CHICKENS and met up with some REALLY DENSE CHICK._

Link: Hey baby… You know how to get to the clock tower top?

Anju: Hi! Where's your mommy, little boy?

Link: I'm not that much of a kid, dammit!

Anju: Oh. ...So where's your mommy, little boy?

Link: Are you even listening to me?

Anju: Hello! Welcome to the Stock Pot Inn! Is your mommy with you today?

Link: GAAAH!

_After Link SHOVED a Deku Nut down the STUPID LADY'S THROAT, he went outside to find FRUITY JUGGLERS._

Blue: Ohohoho! We're so effeminate and jolly, and we only play with one another!

Red: It's not like we're implying something! We also make bad puns and have no significance to the story! Ohohoho!

Link: Don't look at them, just keep walking…

_Link traveled to the Mayor's office to GET ON WELFARE for lack of a JOB, but met up with an ANGRY OLD FART._

Gorman: Dang kids these days with their hip-hop and rap…When I was their age, I listened to cymbal-clanging monkies! And I liked it!

Link: Why are you talking to me?

_Link went to the MAYOR'S OFFICE and found PEOPLE YELLING AT EACH OTHER._

Soldier: COUNTRY!

Carpenter: ROCK AND ROLL!

Soldier: Country doesn't have such violent sounds like rock and roll, right Mayor?

Mayor: Uh…

Carpenter: That's a common misconception among the ignorant! Rock and roll isn't evil, right Mayor?!

Mayor: …(_held up a "help me" sign_)

Link: Actually, in my opinion country kind of sucks.

Soldier: …ATTACK THE SINNER!

Link: Oh crap.

_And after Link was chased by PISSED OFF SOLDIERS, he HID in a BIG UNEXPLAINED CAVE._

Link: Why is there a cave in the town?

Great Fairy: I don't know. Now I order you to get pieces of me 'cuz the Skull Kid's a dick.

Link: 'Kay.

_And so, Link searched PRACTICALLY LIKE EVERYWHERE until he found some kind of LAUNDRY POOL._

Link: This isn't a pool! I've been deceived! Ohlookattheshiny.

_Link then proceeded to SWIM, and found out his puny wooden body SUCKED AND DROWNED._

Link: …What…the… I'm alive again?

_Then Link made an AMAZING DISCOVERY when he jumped into the WATER._

Link: Whoa! I can totally jump on water! I must be a caffeine-saturated Je—

_But he used all of his JUMPING POINTS saying that sentence and proceeded to LOSE CONTROL OF HIS LEGS._

Link: DAMN YOU NERVOUS SYST---- -glub-

_One continue later…_

Link: (_grabbing the fairy by its throat_) HAHA. Finally, a fairy I can strangle!

Stray fairy: Take me to the fountain or I'll kill you.

Link: 'Kay.

_And so Link ran LIKE HE WAS ON FIRE to the Great Fairy's CAVEFOUNTAINTHING._

Great Fairy: And here's your reward…(_muttering_) …little wimp…

Link: What was that?

Great Fairy: BLINDING MAGICAL POWERS.

_And Link was LIFTED INTO THE AIR by the intensity of the SHINY and ended up getting the SUPER MAGICAL POWER to spit BUBBLES. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL power is that?_

Link: What the creepy disembodied voice said. I guess.

_And ignoring Link's breaking of the FOURTH WALL, he went outside to find it was MORNING._

Link: What the hell!? That took like 24 minutes, tops!

_TOO BAD._

(end of part two)

Author's notes: What can I say? I got bored. But thank you Kimitala for the positive review...only one I've gotten so far, but it made me happy. Hope I get more soon!


	3. Second Day

**The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask – Supercondensed **

Part three: The second Day

_Link, with his amazing power to SHOOT BUBBLES decided to POP A NEW YEARS' BALLOON in rage._

Link: So…lame…

_But he managed to anger the CHILDREN OF THE CORN, also known as the BOMBERS, who stood for JUSTICE._

Link: Justice? Are you like, terrorists or something?

Bombers: HEY FIND US AND WE'LL TELL YOU CRAP. (_They ran off like ROADRUNNER OR SOMETHING._)

Link: What just happened here?!

Tatl: No idea.

_Link proceeded to hunt down and KICK the EXPLODING CHILDREN OR WHATEVER in their DEFORMED FACES._

Bombers: Too bad we think species other than humans are inferior or we'd let you join! Here's a code though! (_And the children proceeded to MOON Link with NUMBERS._)

Link: Creative but horrifying…oh…they're good.

_Link then went to the OBSERVATORY after wasting FIVE HOURS trying to kick the TINY YAPPY DOG._

Link: I'll bite you! With my foot!!!

_Suddenly a TALKING SCARECROW popped out of the ground and DANCED AT HIM._

Scarecrow: Dance fight!

Link: You're on!

Tatl: I'll provide the beat!

_HALF A DAY LATER the WONDER TWINS met up with this old WIZARD-LOOKING GUY._

Astronomer: There is nothing wrong with being friends with young children.

Link: I'm going to ignore you and peek through your lookie-thing.

_Link looked through the TELESCOPE and finally noticed that the moon looked FREAKING PSYCHOTIC._

Link: How did I never notice this?!

Tatl: You need to pay more attention.

_Then Link saw the MASKED SPECIAL ED CHILD on top of the CLOCK TOWER, who proceeded to point at the FRIGGIN MOON._

Skull Kid: Haha, look how ugly I made it.

Moon: My life is a veil of tears! (_cries_)

_The EMO MOON'S tear fell to earth and SOMEHOW turned out to be a SHINY JEWEL._

Link: Shiny!

_The ECCENTRIC SKULL ADOLESCENT decided to SPANK HIS ASS at Link to HIT ON HIM OR SOMETHING._

Skull Kid: Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Link: OH GOD MY EYES.

_Link took the SHINY STONE and went to try SELLING IT ON EBAY, but then a DEKU SCRUB POPPED UP and BARGAINED with him._

Merchant Scrub: I need that stone so I can convince my wife to do more for me in bed. Give it to me and I'll give you my old wilted-looking flower.

Link: Sure, why not.

_The Deku Scrub laughed at his GREAT BARGAINING SKILLS, the plants somehow managing to FLY AWAY LIKE MARY POPPINS._

Link: Oookay.

_Link FLEW UP to the front of the GIGANTIC CLOCK before NOT-NAVI told him a STARTLING MESSAGE._

Tatl: Not like it's any big deal or anything…just thought you'd wanna know…the clock tower opens only midnight tomorrow.

Link: ...Son of a---

_BUTBUTBUT luckily, the night was already OVER._

Link: What the hell am I supposed to do through the day now?!

_WE DON'T CARE._

* * *

Author note: Heh...I couldn't make it quite as funny as before in my opinion, but I tried. R&R, please 


	4. Third Day

**The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask – Supercondensed**

_Part four: Third day_

_Link went on his IMPORTANT QUEST to start wasting TIME because he had nothing better to DO. He decided to COLLECT RUPEES because he needed to buy a PIMPIN' NEW RIDE._

Link: I wonder if they make limo-horses.

_Link started by MUGGING THE MAILMAN._

Link: Gimme money!

Postman: THIS IS NOT ON SCHEDULE. I'M A PUBLIC SERVANT.

_And since public servants have NO NEED for pathetic CASH MONIES, Link decided to BREAK STUFF._

Link: My favorite way to make money.

Tatl: What are you doing?!

Link: I do it all the time…no one ever gets mad…

_Suddenly a BIG FAT DEMON LADY came and ASSAULTED Link with WORDS._

Anju's Mother: WHY DO YOU BREAK MAH POTS?! AH KEEL YEW.

Link: OH MY GOD. (_runs_)

_Link outran the OVERWEIGHT KILLING MACHINE all the way into West Clock Town, where some CREEPY BEGGAR GUY was._

Bank person: MONIES PLZ

Link: Uh. 'Kay.

Bank person: I STORE DE MONIES FOUR YEW FOUREVAR SO I'LL STAMP YOUR FACE NOW (_he PUNCHED Link in the forehead, leaving an INVISIBLE MARK SOMEHOW._)

Link: Ow!

_Link decided to NOT KILL the guy, instead opting to CON PEOPLE out of their MONIES._

Link: Give me money and I won't kill you.

Anju's mother: Oh take it all! Just don't use my poor defenseless body! Oh PLEASE!

Link: …Uh, kay?

_FINALLY it turned to MIDNIGHT despite the fact that it had only taken UNDER TWENTY MINUTES._

Link: Sweet.

_The clock did some TRANSFORMERS STUFF, because it wanted to say hi to the CRAZY MOON OF ASPLOSIONS._

Link: Come, Tatl! We must be off!

_Link flew up to the CLOCK STAIRWAY THING and met up with the SKULL THING and RINGING BALL NUMBER TWO._

Skull Kid: Miiiiister Link…did you get the package?

Link: …Whoa.

Tatl: Can we get on with this?

Tael: Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Valley. The four who are there, bring them here.

Skull Kid: STAY IN LINE HO. (_pimp slap_)

Tatl: Hey! No one slaps my brother except me!

Skull Kid: Oh really? What if I do this!?

_The MASKED SKULL BRAT yelled out at the HAPPYTIMEDEATHMOON and made it FLY DOWN._

Moon: HUG TEIMS NOW!

Skull Kid: Ohh, what now, bitch!?

_WHATSITSFACE laughed at its INSANE DECISION to kill itself with the MAGICAL GRINNING MOON THING._

Link: Well, if I'm gonna die anyway, I wanna annoy him with my skills.

_Link shot a BUBBLE at the SKULL KID WITH THE POWERS OF A GOD, managing to STUN him. What the HELL._

Link: Whoa…I'm magic. (_takes the ocarina_)

_The DRUGS Link found in the Lost Woods SUDDENLY took effect, as he started to have a FLASHBACK that was all GLOWY AND STUFF._

Link: Damn! Tripping out…!

Zelda: Link…this song always will remind me of us…

Link: If you play Zelda's Lullaby one more effing time I will kill you.

Zelda: Alright, FINE. Song of Time then so you won't forget it!

Link: What am I, two?

Zelda: (_played the song you'll hear through HALF THE DAMN GAME_) Now then…let's get busy…

Link: Whoo-ho---

_Link was SUDDENLY WOKEN UP by his DEMONIC FAIRY PUFFBALL._

Tatl: Dammit, stop daydreaming! That crappy thing won't help us! Oh, Goddess of Time, I want to have more time! I'm still a virgin!

Link: MAN! You interrupted it at the sexy part! That's it, I'm going to deafen you all.

_Link went to use his INSTRUMENT and pulled out DR. SEUSS PIPES._

Tatl: What. The. Hell.

Link: …Okay, that's it. I'm going to say it. This mouth really is made for blowing.

Tatl: I think my IQ just went down.

_Link started BLOWING HIS WOODEN HEART OUT, and somehow managed to play the SONG OF CLOCKS._

Link: Nifty.

_And then Link and WHATSHERFACE were BLINDED by SHINY LIGHTS and fell down a HOLE FILLED WITH CLOCKS FOR SOME REASON._

Link: Who the hell thought this was a good idea!?

Miyamoto: (_thumbs up_)


	5. The Quest Begins!

**The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask – Supercondensed**

_Part five: Quest time!_

_Link and his SUPER FAIRY NOT-PRINCESS friend started seeing SHINY BLINKY FLASHBACKS._

Link: This can't be happening! (_wakes up_)

_SOMEHOW they were alive, despite the moon doing some KAMAKAZE ATTACKS on the town._

Construction worker: Your mouth looks like it was made for bl---

Link: WAIT. You said that before.

Tatl: The moon's far away again! Yay!

Link: Well gang, looks like we have another mystery in our hands! To the mask guy!

_They went off on their DRAMATIC MISSION to find the MASK CREEP which only lasted 3 SECONDS._

Link: I got my instrument back!

Mask Salesman: Oh, goodie! Now, let's begin!

_The SCARY MASK HUMANOID suddenly pulled an organ out of FUGGIN NOWHERE._

Mask Salesman: Okay, repeat after me!

Link: …Where the hell did that thing come from?

Tatl: I have an idea, but it might be true and that scares me.

_Link started to play the MAGICAL SONG and went on another DRUG TRIP, and saw a DEKU SCRUB run off._

Link: Never come back!

Deku Scrub: I'll eat your children!

_Link came out of his trip to find an UGLY MASK in front of him._

Link: That looks like it's for---HOLY CRAP, I HAVE AN ACTUAL MOUTH!

_Link was BACK TO NORMAL but still no less SUCKIER THAN USUAL._

Link: Hey!

Tatl: I agree!

Mask salesman: Oh my, so cute! I'd love to---Well, first things first. I want the skull child's mask, now.

Link: Oh yeah…Whoops. I forgot…

Mask salesman: Oh…Haha! What a funny boy! (_serious face_) Seriously. Give me my mask.

Link: …

Mask Salesman: You…YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH.

_The mask salesman suddenly turned into a HORRIBLE DEMON OF UNKINDNESS AND WOE and started STRANGLING Link._

Mask salesman: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WANTED THAT MASK! YOU LITTLE PUNK, YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET IT! GRAAAAAH!

Link: Gackk! Can't breathe…!

Mask salesman: I WANTED ALL ITS POWER TO MYSELF! I WOULD HAVE USED IT FOR GOOD, BUT HE MANAGED TO OUTBID ME AT THE AUCTIONS!

Link: (_gagging_)

_The CRAZY DEMONIC PEDO suddenly had a MOOD SWING and burst out into tears long enough for Link to stop being STRANGLED TO DEATH._

Mask salesman: Ohh…woe is me! I'll never get that mask back! I'm doomed! How will anyone be able to look at me as a serious salesman!? Oh, and that moon will end up crushing Termina…but still…no one cares about that.

Link: I thought the mask was just ugly.

Mask salesman: Yes, but it has horrible powers that---

Link: Yeah yeah, will cause catastrophes or something. Can I go kill things now?

Mask salesman: Ohh, alright. But you must be wary of danger---

Link: Dammit, you only have a few decent lines! Stop stretching them out to get more camera time!

_And Link went off on his DRAMATIC QUEST that he didn't really FIGURE OUT YET._

Link: I know I'm supposed to kill things…but what?

Tatl: We could go to the swamp like Tael was practically demanding we do to advance the plot.

Link: Savvy.

_The WONDER TWINS went off to the SWAMP but the GLO-BELL was stopped by a DRAWING._

Tatl: Oh, this is where we first met Skull Kid…

Link: Don't care.

_HOWEVER the TARGETING HELPER THINGIE decided to have some kind of FLASHBACK because she HATES EVERYONE_

Tatl: My brother and I met Skull Kid in a rainstorm and ended up being good friends…he always pulled pranks, but he was still fun to be around…but one day…

Link: STILL DON'T CARE…

Tatl: We got to a bid house…and he saw a mask for sale. He stole someone else's spot and bid high…ridiculously high…and got the mask instead of the mask salesman. He then used his powers to…

Link: ENOUGH ALREADY.

_Link ONCE again started out on his MAGICAL JOURNEY to do SOMETHING and eventually found a TOURIST ATTRACTION._

Pictograph guy: You wanna ride a boat?

Link: Sure!

Pictograph guy: Then go get my assistant or you'll never get to do whatever it is.

Link: Kay.

_Link braved the swamp, into the leafy woods, and found a MONKEY._

Monkey: Wanna see a dead body?

Link: Hell yes.

_The monkey led Link through the LOST WOODS RIPOFF to find the CORPSE._

Link: Did they even TRY to make this seem new?

_HOWEVER Link did not find a CORPSE, but an UGLY WITCH that forgot to eat her SPINACH._

Link: Oh good god it's you. I don't have the mirror shield!

Koume: What are you talking about?! Anyway, the Skull Kid kicked me in the face because he's a dick, and I fell down. Get me potion or I'll eat you.

Link: Kay.

_Link MAGICALLY went back and into a shop shaped like a JUG or something to find an old lady who SNORTS CHEMICALS._

Kotake: Welcome! …What's that? Koume's hurt and needs potion!? Oh my, here take this bottle of potion to her because I'm too lazy to go there myself!

Link: …I didn't even say anything…but kay.

_Link brought the potion to the PREVIOUS BOSS CHARACTER who was now a PUDDLE OF WIMPINESS._

Koume: Good boy. I'm gonna go to the boat shop and not take you with even though it'd probably be easy for me to do with my witch powers! Come by and see me!

Link: Lame.

_Link trudged ONCE AGAIN through the LEECH-INFESTED swamp to finally get to the BOAT-HUT-THING._

Koume: Oh, hello there! Here, take this picturemajigger that exists here somehow despite the kind of time period here and take pictures on the boat.

Link: Sweet…

Koume: Only one picture at a time though!

Link: Not sweet.

_Link took the boat across the swamp and ended up stabbing a GIANT OCTOPUS in the SNOUT._

Link: What is with all these suggestive-looking mouths?!

_Link landed in the swamp that had PRETTY PINK WATARZ OF SPARKLINESS and met up with TALKING MONKIES AGAIN._

Monkeys: We need you to save our friend from the deku people!

Link: Sweet. I'll stab them and—

Monkeys: And don't kill them either!

Link: Dammit!


	6. The Quest Continues!

**The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask – Supercondensed**

_Part six: The quest continues!_

_When we last left him, Link was going to go all NINJA and infiltrate the SHODDILY BUILT Deku palace OF TYRANNY._

Link: Let me in.

Guards: No.

Link: Damn!

Guards: Your mouth isn't sexually suggestive like ours!

Link: …Oh no. Ohhh nonono. I know where this is leading!

Tatl: You should try on that mask again!

Link: -**EXPLETIVE DELETED**-

_Link wore the mask which proceeded to EAT HIS FACE._

Link: This can't be happening! Oh wait, this is Zelda. Of course it can.

_Link was turned BACK into an EMO DEKU BOY._

Link: I trim my bark to take away the pain…

Tatl: Shut up.

Link: MY LIFE IS AN EMPTY ABYSS.

_Link finally GOT INTO the KING'S chamber even though HE'S OUT IN THE OPEN._

Link: Are deku scrubs really stupid enough to leave their most important scrub there?

_The king was all DANCING ANGRILY and stuff, because the monkey STOLE HIS HOE._

King: We's gonna torture de monkey!

Scrubs: Yaaaay!

Monkey: Save me and I'll advance the plot.

Link: Kay.

_Link went all SOLID SNAKE and INFILTRATED the castle only to find A FAT GUY in a hole for SOME REASON._

Fat guy: I'll give you these magic beans if you want.

Link: Magic? Sweet!

Fat guy: You need to water it for it to work by the way.

Link: Son of a bi-

_Link found a MAGICAL PATCH of WEED PLANTIN' SOIL, but all he had were BEANS._

Link: …Curse you coincidence.

_Link planted and watered the STUPID BEANS to make a MAGICAL FLYING PLANT._

Link: Still the lamest item ever.

_Link used the FLYING PLANTY THING and made it to a BACK DOOR of the prison._

Link: Yep…reeeal smart to have a back door in a prison.

Monkey: Hi! How're you?

Link: How the hell do you monkeys talk?!

Monkey: I don't know. I'm going to teach you a song!

_The TALKING MONKEY taught Link some DEKU SONG because he's stupid and alerted the guards._

King: Guards!

Link: Oh crap, alert status!

_Link was CHASED OUT of the palace as the monkey YELLED at him._

Monkey: You'd better save the princess or I'll haunt your ass!

_Link decided to go on a PERILOUS QUEST to save the DEKU PRINCESS._

Link: There are GIRL ones?! Ewww…

_Using his MIGHTY FLYING POWERS he managed to find an OWL._

Link: Oh good god it's you…

Owl: Here! I'm gonna teach you a song so you can fly to statues of me!

Tatl: He's sure into himself…

Link: I've noticed.

_After learning the owl's MAGICALSPECIALHAPPYTIMESONG, Link found a big watery SWAMP OF DEATH._

Link: Whee, this'll be no problem for my water-skipping! (_skipped out and DROWNED HORRIDLY_) I regret nothing!

_ONE HEART LATER Link decided not to be RETARDED and went to a shrine by foot to find an OWL STATUE._

Link: Stabbity stab!

_After doing this INCREDIBLY POINTLESS TASK, he saw a BIG DEKU FACE on the FLOOR._

Link: Oh I wonder what I should do. Play some kind of SONG perhaps?

Tatl: Subtle like a brick wall.

Nintendo: Your mother!

_Link played the DEKU WAKETHEHELLUP SONG which made a temple rise out of the ICKY POISON WATER and flew in with his SUPER FLOWER POWER._

Link: Ow, bad pun.

Tatl: Why isn't this place flooded?

Link: Don't question it, just go with it.

_He eventually found BIG SHINY LIZARDS THAT BREATHE FIRE._

Dinolfos: Is something burning?

Link: Your FACE! (_stabs_)

Dinolfos: Blargh! We're dead! (_they WERE_)

_Then a chest appeared out of SHINY LIGHTS because that's TOTALLY how chests are._

Link: Mine!

_Link got a SHOOTY THING that was made for MIDGET HEROES like him._

Link: Figures I left all my old equipment at my house…

_A few puzzles LATER he went into a room that LOCKED HIM IN to find a TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA FROG._

Link: This isn't so much an enemy as it is creepy.

Frog: I ATED A BIG BLUE BUG! IT MADED ME MAGICKY!

Link: You mean Navi? Sweet! Let's be friends!

Frog: I HUNGEE STILL.

Link: THEN HAVETH A SAMPLETH OF MY BLADETH, KNAVE!

Tatl: Yoink! (_flies away_)

_Link fought his BEST and totally KICKED ITS BUTT until it summoned a MAGIC TURTLE._

Frog: Turtle power!

Link: I'm going to stab you multiple times in the face for that.

Frog: Turtle, spin attack now!

Turtle: TUR-TUL!

_HOWEVER the magical turtle was no match for Link's FLOWER POWER and LOST._

Link: Groovy.

_After getting the key to the boss's BEDROOM he went to fight and found a BIG SCARY WARRIOR WITH A POTBELLY._

Link: Let me guess, Atkins diet?

Odwalda: (_in gibberish_) Why yes, good sir, I did happen to try it…did not work out too well.

Link: He's speaking in tongues! Kill!

Odwalda: (_gibberish _still) Oh my word!

_Link stabbed at the PUDGY TRIBESMAN until he suddenly acted like a CHEERLEADER._

Odwalda: Go Odwalda! Go Odwalda! It's your birthday!

Link: What the…

_KILLER MOTHS suddenly flew from the ceiling and started MOLESTING Link._

Link: Augh! It tickles! Noooo!

Tatl: Wimp!

_Link RAN AROUND LIKE HE WAS ON FIRE until he tripped and hit a BOMB GROWING PLANT with his WIMPY DAGGERSWORD._

Link: Oh sh---

_He, like, ASPLODED and somehow blew up all the FIRE LOVING DEATHMOTHS._

Link: Ow…well…time for stabbings.

_After a LONG DRAWN OUT BATTLE Link won despite his TINY DAGGER OF A SWORD._

Odwalda: (_gibberish_) I'm melting! I'm melting! Ooh, what a world! Being beaten by a splinter!

Link: I would get mad, but this sword is really wimpy.

_A SHINY PORTAL showed up in the floor with Odwalda's MASK in it, his ACTUAL HEART landing on Link and making him STRONGER._

Link: How does this work, exactly?

_Link stepped on the portal and was BLINDED BY SPECIAL EFFECTS. He ended up in a BIG STEAMY ROOM THING._

Link: This looks like a giant bathtub, but no giant hot chicks…

_And then a DEAF-SOUNDING GIANT appeared._

Giant: mumblemumble

Tatl: He says "thanks for releasing me, so here's a song."

Link: One, how can you understand? And two, WHAT THE HELL?! Another song!?

_The giant and Link played a USELESS SONG before the giant remembered he was late for TEA._

Giant: So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Tatl: You can ta---

_THEN THEY WERE BLINDED AGAIN as the UCKY WATER outside started to drain since no one was PEEING IN IT anymore._

Link: Ew…

_Link and IT teleported into a dinky little room in the BACK OF THE TEMPLE._

Link: How did I not notice that?

Deku Princess: Hey you! Get me outta here or I'll show you the difference between our males and females!

Link: Yes ma'am!

_Link freed the ONLY FEMALE DEKU EVARS which decided to YELL AT HIM._

Deku Princess: I DEMAND YOU TAKE ME TO MY FATHER, KNAVE.

Link: How?!

Deku Princess: I don't know, use something small, compact, glassy, with maybe a cork of some sort, hint hint.

Link: …Subtle as a brick wall, aren't we?

Deku Princess: Yep!

_Link took the DEKU CHICK to her FATHER with her complaining the WHOLE DAMN WAY._

Deku Princess: I'm uncomfortable, it's tight in here, your tunic is ugly, are we there yet, why aren't you moving faster?

Link: I thought I was the hero of time, not a babysitter…

_Link released the DEKU HO in front of her FAT FATHER, laying the SMACKDOWN upon his STUPID ASS._

Deku Princess: You mother-beep-, why did you torture my –beep-ing friend! I'll kick your mother-beep-ing ass!

Link: We're really getting close with our ratings here…

_After getting his ASS handed to him, the king let the TALKING MONKEY go._

Deku Princess: Thank you, kind warrior! Now I can finally produce offspring with my one true love!

Monkey: WE SHALL HAVE PLANT-MONKEYS BY THE DAWN.

Link: Augh! Can we end the chapter already!?


	7. Winter of DEATH

**Part seven: Winter of DEATH**

_Link and his FAITHFUL FAIRY went BACK IN TIME once more where JINGALING yelled at him._

Tatl: We must go to the mountains now!

Link: 'Kay.

_Thus they SET OUT to fulfill their next DANGEROUS MISSION to find the icy cold breath of winter._

Link: Why do I wear a tunic without pants? WHY?!

Tatl: 'Cuz you suck.

_And it's TRUE. Butbut they went ahead anyway and met up with a TALKING OWL._

Link: Oh god no…

Owl: So, how've those statues been? Aren't they beautiful!?

Link: No.

Owl: Then look at my beautiful feathers and backside!

_The owl flew to some IMPOSSIBLE TO REACH cave, and started MOLTING on some INVISIBLE PLATFORMS._

Tatl: Those platforms could be dangerous! Link, don--

Link: Hooray, invisible platforms! (_jumps on them_)

Tatl: …Nevermind.

_Inside the cave Link found a chest with a weird MONOCLE inside that let him see INVISIBLE THINGS._

Link: I'd rather see through clothes with it…

_TOO BAD. Link hopped back over and saw a HAIRY ROCK GHOST._

Darmani: Follow me and win a prize!

Link: Mine!

_Link followed the DAMNED SOUL to a big wall and climbed an INVISIBLE LADDER or something STUPID like that up to a cave._

Link: Is this a game of follow the leader or a fitness test?!

_In the cave Link found a BIG OLD TOMBSTONE and the GHOST WITH THE MOST in front of it._

Darmani: heal plz

Link: sry cant

Darmani: Man, you're a sucky magical hero…I died saving my people and you can't do anything for me!? I'm going to sit here and be angsty then!

_Link drowned out his BITCHING by playing the SONG OF HEALING to MOCK him but ended up turning him into a MASK._

Darmani: I'll haunt your ass!

_Link decided to PUT ON the mask and became a REALLY LAME GORON._

Link: This is really, really lame…

Tatl: You're…just a Goron with white hair?

Link: Stupid ghost!

_Link KICKS the grave and ends up uncovering a HOT SPRING._

Link: Hooray! Grave defiling pays off!

_Link bottles the water to MOCK the frozen Gorons outside, but trips over his BIG ROCKY FEET and SPILLS it on some UGLY ICE SCULPTURE._

Goron: BEWARE, I LIVE!

Link: Nooo, my grave water!

_Link went back and stole some more of the ICKY HOT DEATH WATER and went off to ROLL ON THINGS._

Link: Can I make a joke about rock and—

_NO._

Link: Dammit!

_Link rolled around until he smacked into a SNOWBALL which EVOLVED INTO A GORON._

Goron: I liked being a snowball!

_The Goron proceeded to have HISSY FIT and stomped, somehow opening a BIG STONE DOOR._

Link: A door! Nothing bad is ever behind one of them! (_he entered_)

_Link then found a BABY who WOULDN'T SHUT UP._

Baby Goron: I want my daddy! Daaaaddddddyyyyyy!

Link: Burn in a fire.

_Link went out again just to find some OLD FART OF A GORONSICLE._

Link: …I had no idea rocks got wrinkly.

Tatl: Eeeeew…Let's thaw him for some reason.

Link: Kay.

_UNFORTUNATELY Link's hot water turned into cold water. WHO WOULDA THUNK IT?_

Link: Water gets COLD?!

_Link ONCE AGAIN got some GRAVE WATER and came back to MELT THE WRINKLESICLE._

Old Goron: Oh, I must get back to my son!...oh? What's that? My son's crying? Hey, let me teach you a song!

Link: I didn't say anything!

_BUT the OLD FART was SENILE and FORGOT THE SONG._

Old Goron: Sucks to be you!

_Link decided to ANNOY the Gorons with his NEW HALF-SONG but the CRYING BRAT suddenly SANG TO HIM._

Baby Goron: Loser! This is how it goes!

Tatl: Snap!

_But then the Gorons PASSED OUT from the baby's HORRIBLE SINGING._

Link: Oh god my ears.

_Link decided to KICK THE BABY IN THE HEAD and knock it out to take its song._

Link: I always need a friggin' song, don't I?

_And thus Link STARTED on his journey to do SOMETHING._

Link: Where haven't we gone yet?

Tatl: Hey look, a path to a temple!

Link: Let's-a go!

_And so Link made his way toward the temple only to JUMP TO HIS DEATH REPEATEDLY._

Link: Damn you physics!

Tatl: Hey look, there are ramps! Maybe we can roll over them!

Link: Why didn't you say that before?!

Tatl: I enjoy watching you suffer!

_Link then turned into a ROCK and went all ET and FLEW off the ramp off the EDGE OF A CLIFF._

Link: Damn you gravity!

_Soon enough Link gets to a temple that hangs ABOVE A BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DEATH AND DESPAIR._

Link: Totally safe.

_And then Link was BLOWN TO HIS DOOM except NOT REALLY because he had MORE HEARTS._

Link: I wonder why I got blown by some wind! It couldn't be that something is hidden just so I have to use an item I conveniently got five seconds ago!

_And then Link found a GIANT ROCK MONSTER who had a talent for BLOWING._

Link: Is that innocent or semi-sexual? I can't tell anymore.

Tatl: Maybe you should use some sort of **song**!

Link: A **song**? What, like the one we learned just a few scenes ago? Never would've guessed!

_And so Link played the SLEEPY-BYE song of the LIVING BOULDERS and made the big monster FALL TO HIS DEATH._

Giant Goron: I regret nothing!

Link: Now onward, to the ice temple!

_AND THEN LINK FELL AGAIN._

Link: Damn!

* * *

Author's note: Man...I messed up again. I got writer's block and was discouraged for a while...Lots happened, so I hope you guys forgive me!


End file.
